


Substitute for Something More

by feministfangirl



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-03
Updated: 2013-07-03
Packaged: 2017-12-17 14:56:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/868827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feministfangirl/pseuds/feministfangirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chekov has a crush that won't be quashed, so he drowns himself in a substitute until guilt drives him to change his tactics. Comprised of ten connected drabbles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Substitute for Something More

**Author's Note:**

> A series of McCoy/Chekov drabbles, created via the music drabble meme:
> 
> 1\. Put on your music program on shuffle/random and start playing songs.  
> 2\. For each song, write something inspired by the song. You only have the song length. No pre-planning and no writing after the song is over. No skipping songs either.  
> 3\. Do 10 songs and post. Make sure to include the song name/artist.
> 
> Originally posted on livejournal as captaincadet.

**1\. Temptations- Shout**

The world lit up like the lights were coming on for the first time when he entered the room. You should have been distracted by the spectacle of the cadet from before tumbling into the room, but it was all about him at first, his frantic chasing and the concerned look on his face, the way his face was steeled when Pike told him they’d have words later. In that moment, before you were taken in by the speculation around Vulcan’s fate, all you could see was him.

Later, you steal a shy glance whenever he’s on the bridge, which is often. It makes you feel a little better when everything is so terrifying that you still have basic human feelings. You can loose yourself a little in your sudden infatuation when the feeling of your own failure is pressing down at you from all sides. 

His distrust of your abilities only hurts a little, and you don’t let it show. Your brain is powerful, and you can process a crush and complex physics at the same time. And hey, if he doesn’t say another word to you again, it was worth it for a little while, to have that grounding feeling of infatuation lighting up the world.

**  
2\. This is Not a Love Song - Nouveile Vague**

You try not to be obvious, and you succeed for a while. 

You don’t speak to him when you’re on Earth, at first, until the emptiness of the classrooms and dormitories start to scare you and you all—You, Sulu, Kirk, Spock, Uhura, Scotty and McCoy—group together to feel a bit safer. 

McCoy shakes your hand and smiles as much as he ever does, and you pretend you don’t feel like you’re on fire because it’s a little creepy, and you know you’re too young, and you feel like everyone can read your crush all over your face like a smattering of freckles. You all sit together around a table full of empty glasses and everything is foggy and numb, but for you only the bad stuff is numb, the good stuff feels stronger than ever so you take another drink and tell yourself not to ask for more than you deserve, because you are lucky just to be alive.

You haven’t felt like this since you left home and your heart curled up.

But you remind yourself it’s just obsession and not love.

**  
3\. Silence –Portishead**

Later that night you watch as Kirk gets grabby and Sulu’s hand is winding itself in your hair and you wonder if Sulu would be a worthy substitute. You see the way Sulu’s eyes linger on Kirk even as he’s touching you and know you’re nothing as a replacement for Kirk. You wonder if it’s worth it for you to sit in silence and pine. You can see something in Sulu that you can see in the mirror and it’s just as depressing. 

You think of brown hair and heavy stubble and wide shoulders while Sulu is kissing you outside. You know he’s thinking of straighter hair, chiseled jaw, taller, stronger than you, but both fantasies are out of reach.

You wonder if McCoy and Kirk are making out in the next alley, you wonder if they’re kissing there or if they’re just friends, the kind of friends you want them to be. You don’t push Sulu away even though neither of you are satisfied, and you float around inside your own head and wonder. 

When you’re spent, leaning against the wall, neither of you says a word. You don’t know what to say.

**4\. This Scene is Dead – We Are Scientists**

When you’re all at last together again, on the Enterprise, you feel relief. The past few weeks have been a series of hoop-jumping exercises that simply left you with gaping holes where you thought endlessly about the ridiculous growing obsession.

You leave the Academy, feeling no nostalgia for the place. You want the cool console of the Enterprise under your fingertips, your sometimes-more-than friend at your side, and an easy way to see McCoy once in a while.

Only he doesn’t come to the bridge as often as he did your first mission, and often when he does he and the Captain and Spock walk into the Captain’s ready room, leaving Sulu in charge of the con and leaving both of you bristling with envy even though there’s nothing you can do, nothing you can ever do.

**5\. Voyage of the Damned Suite- Doctor Who Series Four**

It is only your second away mission when both you and McCoy are placed on it. You head to the planet’s surface with Spock in charge, trying not to let your hammering heart be heard in the wavering of your voice.

The mission is quick and dirty—there’s a series of small fights with the paranoid natives of Lynra and you are almost taken hostage and the three of you are briefly trapped where no transporters can reach you. The Doctor sees the terror on your face as the three of you flee and mistakes your fear for fear of dying, but you are only afraid that he’ll see you when you’re not at your best.

But worrying about it makes it worse, and as you are within transporter range you’re shot through with an arrow and it is only Scotty’s quick transporting that takes the three of you back to the ship before they, too, can be shot.

It’s an easy mend, most likely, and you feel okay as you’re hurried to sickbay except that you keep apologizing for bleeding all over the corridor and on McCoy’s shoes and his face looks flushed but you can’t feel anything, nothing at all. The look on McCoy’s face, just before you pass out, makes you sad—you wonder what he looks so distressed for.

You come to and your chest hurts. McCoy tells you that you have broken ribs that are still setting and that your chest wound is closed but still healing and that your lungs aren’t in top condition yet, but you should be fine. And you smile gratefully and he just looks away, moves on to the next waiting patient.

Your chest hurts more.

**6\. A Certain Romance- Arctic Monkeys**

You make Sulu teach you fencing, and you ask Kirk to help you with hand to hand combat because you do not want to run terrified like that ever again. And if sometimes you talk about Sulu to Kirk, and mention things he likes, and suggest that they spar more often, it is only because you do not want everyone to be as miserable as you feel. 

The weeks wear on and you get stronger, instead of just being fast and clever you are now agile and fierce, and you keep pushing at Kirk and Sulu and eventually something clicks. Sulu doesn’t come to you at night, and it makes you feel a bit better that he’s happier, even if Kirk is still Kirk and sleeps not only with Sulu but also with a variety of others and some aliens, if he gets the chance.

You try not to see McCoy anymore than you have to, and you make friends with Scotty and spend time in Engineering, ranting about crew members trying to replicate your accents and complete long strings of calculus, always trying to improve the run of the ship.

You try to build yourself a life and forget about the way the room lights up when McCoy is there, because you know you’re too young and you think he wouldn’t like you no matter what.

**7\. The Baskervilles- Tokyo Police Club**

One night, you are sitting in the observation deck because you’ve had a nightmare about home. It calms you to stare out into the ever-moving landscape of space, reminds you of the reason you wanted to do space travel.

You act like you don’t notice when McCoy enters with Kirk, you act like you can’t hear them talking, and you try your hardest to ignore it when they get into a fight and Kirk storms out. You sit with your chin on your knees and you stare out into space and you don’t look up when you feel McCoy behind you.

“What’re you doing, kid?” It cuts like the arrow did, and you stand abruptly, your back to the starscape.

“I was being alone,” you snap, and storm out. You feel guilty three steps out the door, but you can’t stop.

**8\. Campus- Vampire Weekend**

You get up. You get dressed. You sit through your shift. The days are endless repetition that blend into one another. You have more nightmares. Sulu and Kirk are together more often, and you see less of either of them off-duty. 

Occasionally you see McCoy, and he’s got dark circles under his eyes and you wonder what’s keeping him up at night. 

You spend more time alone, now. You only see Scotty when you’re off duty, and you’re more tired than ever. You miss human contact. You miss hugs and public displays of affection and the simple friendships you once had at home. You miss it all.

**9\. Wandering Star – Portishead**

You enter the bridge the same time as McCoy. You don’t look at him, you’ve gotten used to being completely aware of him without having to turn and look. The ride in the elevator is tense. You wonder what’s on his mind.

As you both step out, you find the bridge nearly empty this late in Gamma shift. Only Sulu and Kirk. And they pull apart as you enter. They weren’t kissing, but they had been bent close. Enough to seem intimate.

McCoy tenses further, and without saying a word, he leaves. You leave your report with Kirk, and follow him.

McCoy doesn’t acknowledge you this second time, just wanders out in the direction of his quarters.

“Doctor,” you call after him. He turns. He looks so tired. You walk to him, and you touch his face and he doesn’t shrink away. “You look so tired…” He shrugs, doesn’t meet your eyes for a long time. His hand rises to push yours away, gently.

“Can’t sleep without him,” he mumbles. Guilt twists in your belly as you realize he means Kirk, and you remember the way you left hints of Sulu with him and the way they became caught up in the way that McCoy and Kirk were likely once. You want to chase the sadness away. It’s part duty and part selfishness. 

**10\. The Origin of Love- Hedwig and the Angry Inch**

You lead him to his quarters, but stand in the doorway when he walks in. He kicks off his boots, pulls of his shirt, shucks down his pants and then returns to the doorway in boxers alone to pull you in. You don’t move at first, but soon you can’t help it. He’s pushed you up against a wall at some point and is working your pants down.

By accident, he breathes “Jim…” and you freeze. He lets go of the waistband of your briefs and you look up at him. He’s confused and looks guilty and you pull your pants back up and slip out from between him and the wall and run your hands through your hair. He comes up behind you to pull you to him, whispers an apology in your ear and slides his hands down your stomach and lower.

You’d done the same before with Sulu and neither of you minded, but you weren’t obsessed with Sulu like this. But if this is the only way you can have him, you’ll settle for it. You can’t tell when he’s there with you or when he’s back with Jim, and you try not to care. 

You fall into bed and try to feel like you belong there but you know it’s borrowed time, and sooner or later McCoy will realize that you’re a poor substitute, and that he’d rather be alone.


End file.
